I don’t quite know when it started…but it has been there for as long as I can remember….the constant feeling of not measuring up. It may have started back in my teen years. Every year of high school I was in a different school in three separate states. I was constantly the “new kid” that never quite fit in…sitting home with no friends…desperately trying to do anything…be anything…in order to sit at the “cool kids table”.
It may have started back in my Christian comedy days. Working in an industry that is constantly jockeying for position and expending enormous amounts of resources on shameless self promotion. A world where product sales, fan club subscriptions, the push for more concert dates and the importance of being a headliner trumps the desire for actual ministry every time.
Then again it may just be my giant ego that has the insatiable desire to be noticed, to feel successful, to be the biggest personality in the room…in order to hide the insecurities deep within. Whatever the reason…it has always caused Chris Elrod to want to make Chris Elrod…famous.
Don’t get me wrong…I love seeing people’s lives changed for Christ. Nothing excites me more than baptizing someone or seeing an up-and-coming leader get “it”. But in all honesty, those things also allowed me to be noticed. Whether it was this blog, my Twitter, preaching on Sundays, standing in the foyer of a conference facility or hanging out with a group of other church pastors…it was always about making Compass Point and myself famous. Jesus Christ figured into the process…but only as a means to the end. No matter how I look at it…that is a sin. Perry’s answer at the coaching network…NewSpring’s vision statement…and the leading of the Holy Spirit all came together on the plane flight last week…to pierce my heart…and my ego…and my insecurities.